the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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