i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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