It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
