This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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