My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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