I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
