Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
