I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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