k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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