he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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