Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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