Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize