I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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