I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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