I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
