Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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