oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
