god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
