woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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