His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Let's get the cat blown out
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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