Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
