my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We are all done wearing pants today
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
