i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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