I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
