he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
