How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Come see our sink grown plant.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
