I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
