Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
