Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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