He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
