Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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