y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
