so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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