i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Damn victory sex feels great
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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