the condom got lost in my hair
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
