i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Let's get the cat blown out
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize