SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
