sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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