I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
