He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
