i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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