hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize