Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
