Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
