So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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