I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
