there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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