I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We have started to decorate penises.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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