All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
