The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
