Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
