What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize