I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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