It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
