I could make wine with my vomit
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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