Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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