he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
