Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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