She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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