You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
